Last blog- Longer than intended.

This turned out to be quite a bit longer than you intended I think, but it felt good to get it out. So..

I’m going to write about a moment in my life that will stick with me forever and has changed me to become the person I am today. It happened this summer, and a place I used to live to visit, my summer camp. It is a camp that I attended as a camper for 4 years, and was a staff member for another year after that. This past summer was my 6th and final summer to return there.

This past summer, I was scheduled to go on a trip to Europe for 18 days, and since the weeks there fell awkwardly with the camp’s schedule, I had already decided that I would not be returning as staff that year. I would find a different job, stay home with my horses and my boyfriend, and maybe try to make it work the following year. That being said, the camp is a fantastic place in southern Ohio, isolated from civilization, radiating beauty and pleasure. Therefore, when Mother’s Day weekend rolled around, and the camp hosted their Indian Princess’ weekend as usual, I volunteered to come help, knowing I would not have much chance to visit anytime other than that. I went, working for little pay, sleeping in non-heated cabins, and having the time of my life for one quick borrowed weekend in paradise.
Towards the end of Sunday, as we were getting ready to head back home, the owner of the camp, Dave, and his wife Emily as me personally if there was anyway I could work this summer. They had appreciated me the previous summer, and felt that they were in great need of someone like me in the stables that summer, being short staffed in comparison to last year.
I should interject here that while Dave is possibly the nicest person anyone could ever come across, his wife Emily is… less so. To put in plainly and improperly, the woman is a flaming bitch, knows it, and is proud of it. I have always felt like this, and I promise that nearly anyone, including her husband, will back me up on this. The woman has no regard for your feelings, has no respect, and has no boundaries. She is inappropriate to the campers and shouts all of them to tears if she comes to give lessons at the Horse Camp that is offered. She is a favorite’s player, and I was never, ever a favorite. This would not be an issue had she not chosen to make that a prejudice against anyone who was not a favorite. They become her targets for fire.
So, you can imagine that Emily asking me personally to come back in any way shape or form that I could was flattering. I was not expecting special treatment when I went, knowing she probably asked me out of desperation that desire, but again was flattered nonetheless. I did my best and worked out that I would come for the remaining half of the summer; in total, four weeks.
I arrived at camp happy and ready to work, although slightly put-off from some of the letters I’d been getting from other friend’s telling me that Emily’s favoritism was worse than ever. Ally, another staff member, has been a long time favorite of Emily’s and she was to stay until I got there, although would end up staying for my first entire week.
Basically, what I gathered from it was that, while Ally was there, I wasn't important. I wasn't helpful. She didn't need me and, despite asking me personally to come back, she didn't want me there. Ally has the money to pay for her favorite horse to have a good home in the winter. Therefore, while she is there, She is queen and I am scum. I found out later that the Stable Manager, Kay, was twisting nearly any sentence I ever said into strange, untrue things. Kay is not exactly known for being a helpful friend to anyone that won’t help her get closer with Emily, so I’ve never confided in her. I know where to draw my boundaries. For instance, I, according to Emily, informed by Kat, told the whole staff that I had an "in" with Emily and that’s why I got to go home for my own graduation party the first weekend I was there. As I recall it, this was my condition to coming back to camp- I would be happy to come, but if I couldn't go home this weekend, I really couldn't work for them. We had already planned the party and they asked me again to come back in May, so she knows this. I thought.


Anyways after a week of being treated like shit, I came home and thought about what I was doing with my summer. I decided that if she blew up at me for nothing (for example, telling her there is no fly spray upstairs and she screams "DO NOT TALK BACK TO ME, SASSY. DO WHAT I TELL YOU AND GO CHECK HORSECAMP FOR FLY SPRAY" in front of numerous campers, counselors, Kay, and several dogs) again, then I would quit. But, since Ally had left the previous Thursday, I was hopeful that things would continue to be slightly better, as they had the Friday before I left, when she neither shouted at me nor blamed me casually for things I wasn’t aware I had any part in (for example, a few day’s earlier, it had been my fault some stalls that were Kay’s job to clean, hadn’t been cleaned).

And for a week, it was. Emily wasn’t nice, per-say, but she was at least calm and didn't bitch at me to my face. I have no doubt, especially now, that it was going on when I wasn't there, but at least she wasn't shouting at me in front of my campers, because that is I something I really couldn't handle.

Then, the following Wednesday evening, after I had cleaned the majority of lower stables (despite A) it being Kat's job, at least half of it, and B) I was in Horsecamp anyways, so I did it as a favor to her (although now that I think about it, no favors to her were ever acknowledged)) a woman named Penny came to give the driving lesson, and I asked Dave if I could take a shower during evening activity-Not Emily, because she was rampaging in the kitchen. Dave said that was fine. However, here I made a mistake. I did not realize that Dave did not know that my other staff member, Leah, who was in my unit had gone on a night off. Not realizing that Leah had left for the evening, and my not saying anything, I was granted the time to go and take a shower and rinse away the remnants of dirty horse bedding that I was covered in.

So I shower, while Tessa L (our other senior staff member in Horse Camp) and Patty (who had been sitting next to Dave, had waved goodbye to Leah, and had heard me ask said "its fine!" when I asked Dave if I could shower) headed out to the barn. About 20 minutes later, after the lesson has started, I am slightly cleaner, and on my only time off so far that summer, I decided to go help with the lesson anyways. I had really just wanted a shower.

So I go up there, and Emily is coming down from the ring with Kay, and quite literally, charges at me like a mountain lion. The sight was frightening, to see a 50+ woman running half crouched over, screaming,

"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE SELF RIGHTOUS NERVE TO SHOWER, AND TO PUT YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES ON SOMEONE ELSE! YOU ARE SO SELFISH AND PUT YOURSELF BEFORE ANYONE ELSE HERE! LET’S MAKE THINGS CLEAR- YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL AND YOU DON’T GET TO DO WHAT YOU WANT HERE!" she proceeds to call me a seriously incompetent counselor, who has told everyone that she gets special treatment, has obviously hoodwinked Dave into thinking I should get an evening off, and quite frankly, it went on for about 5 minutes but I've done my best to block it out of my head.

I was in hysterics at this point, shouting back trying to answer her accusations (she, as you can imagine, didn’t care to hear them). She stormed away, to talk to Dave I believe, and I stood there for a minute and then decided I was done, and I was quitting. I was about ready to go down to Dave right then (who, I found out later, had heard out shouting match form the dining hall, even though we were in the stables) but I knew I had to go back to the campers- if nothing else, to appease Emily for the moment. I had already started walking down, so as i walked across the bridge, I meet up with Kay

And for these next few moments, I am proud of myself. Instead of apologizing and trying to make up for mistakes I didn’t believe I’d made, I took a stand. I looked at Kay and said,
“I know you think she's right, but she's not. That’s not what happened." She just looked at me and said
" You should go back to the campers". Ah. I will refrain from swearing here, but I was beyond tears, you cannot even imagine. It took me another ten minutes before I could go into the ring with the kids to not be sobbing in front of them of course, in the first 10 seconds, one says, “We heard shouting, was that Emily and you?" and Penny, "Are you ok?" and of course I start crying again. It was a disaster. Of course, none of the kids like Emily, so they were all really sweet about it.

But in these moment’s, I grew up a lot. I had decided I was done, and it was time to leave behind this camp that although I loved, I knew I had been making excuses for to keep it a happy memory. The facilities, the campers, most of the staff truly are great people. And most of the time, they make up for the few unpleasant things that you have to endure while you’re there. But there are somethings that should never be said to people, no matter what the situation. I would parallel this conversation Emily and I had with the one Elizabeth Bennet and Lady Catherine DeBourgh have in Pride and Prejudice, where Elizabeth Bennet says,
“You have now insulted me in ever possible way and can now have nothing further to say.”
I find that this line describes best how I was feeling. I would be Elizabeth Bennet and say ‘Enough’.

Later that evening, my campers and I found an unclaimed raincoat the needed to be brought to the lost and found in Emily’s office. I chose to bring it to her, rather than send a camper like I could have. I opened the door to find Emily, happy and calm as can be having reduced me to dirt about an hour previously, along with Kay, quietly working beside her. I handed her the raincoat, explaining it didn’t have an owner, doing my best to not mention a word of what had just happened. She, however, did the honors of that.
“I’m sorry I got so upset with you, Kelly, but I just couldn’t believe you would be so inconsiderate! I thought I was done with my ego problems when Lori (a previous staff member, who happened to be my own counselor) left! Jesus!” She laughed. Kay smiled, and giggled.
I was in disbelief. If I walked away, she would know I was angry and have even more satisfaction that was currently radiating from her which was making me sick. I chose my words carefully.
“I think you’ve made yourself very clear, and can now have nothing more to say on the topic.”
I was thinking of Elizabeth Bennet when I said it. I may be beginning to idolize her. Emily’s face gave nothing away as she turned back to her work, but I like to think she was at least confused by my civility.

The next morning, Emily pulled Leah and I into the kitchen (during breakfast, so in front of the whole camp, mind you) and proceeded to, yet again, tear me to shred as she compared my horrible work ethic to Leah's brilliance, and Ally's superiority in everything. She told me that none of her staff complained as much as I did, and that I was unreasonable! Why should I be so self-centered! If I put in half the work that Ally did, I’d be a mediocre employee.

She didn’t know that Dave and I had talked the night before and I was quitting. When Dave had pieced the story together, he looked at the floor. He said quietly,
“I won’t defend a thing she said to you. I’m sorry. Do you need to leave?” He looked at me.
“Yes,” I said.

I have not spoken to either of them since. These words, these accusations have haunted me since the day they were spoken, and I doubt that they will ever fade entirely. It has shaped me as a person though. Being egotistical OR self centered is something I strive my very hardest not to be. I will always make sure that no one can reasonably say those things to me every again. And because of this, I am who I am today.